FAINT LIGHT

I had waited my whole life to meet the man of my dreams.

But  when I finally did, nothing went the way I imagined. I used to think love would come easy like a beautiful movie scene where everything falls into place.

Then Jordan came into my life and suddenly, it felt like that scene was mine.

The more I tried to prove my love to make him see that I was worth something beyond my family background , the more he tore down my self-esteem.

I met him at a youth conference where I voluneered. He was there as a guest speaker, and I was the nervous girl at the registration desk who accidentally mixed up the name tags.

He laughed it off and said, “I will remember your face better than any tag.

We started seeing each other.  He would drive miles after work just to eat suya with me by the roadside. He loved to talk about his dreams, how he would travel the world, build a name that mattered. I loved how passionate and driven he was. I loved him.

And for a while everything was perfect until perfection began asking for proof.

It started small.

" You would look better in heels, "Your friends are a little too loud", Why didn't you graduate top of your class again? Not even a second class upper?

At first I brushed it off as harmless talk until his words begin to sink deeper like insults and slowly stole my confidence away.

One night after dinner with his colleagues, he drove in silence. I could feel his irritation hanging in the air.

Jordan stormed in, his voice loud enough to shake the walls.

“What was that about? Why were you so quiet all through dinner?

All those questions and you couldn’t even answer?”

I felt my chest tighten. Enough was enough.

 “Why do you always do this, Jordan?” I fired back.

"Why do you keep making me feel like I'm not enough?"

“Is it not enough that you try to embarrass me at every chance you get?

The other day, you said I wasn’t up to my friend’s standard. You keep reminding me I didn’t graduate top of my class even though you know how much that hurts.

And somehow… you think it’s funny.”

He stood there, expressionless. No anger, no remorse. Just silence like my pain was a language he couldn't understand.

I walked away before the tears could fall down, shut the door and let everything pour out,

I broke down completely.

When words failed, I prayed.

“Lord, all I’ve ever wanted is to be my man’s good luck charm.

I want his life to get better because I’m in it.

But if I can’t be what he wakes up thankful for, then help me let go.

I love him, but I'm tired.

Jordan walked in quietly. He heard every word.

But he said nothing  just grabbed his car keys, walked out, and drove off.

Days turned into silence, weeks passed and we  lived together but barely looked at each other. I still made his meals, did the chores, avoided his eyes, his touch. I was fading  piece by piece.

The house that once echoed with laughter now felt like a strangers home.

Jordan slowly became gentler, softer and even prayerful. He left sweet notes on the fridge, got me flowers. 

Sometimes, i caught him staring at me with this strange heavy look like he was getting to know me for the first time.

Then one evening, I saw him sitting in his car, long after he got home.

Through the window, I watched his lips move, as if he was rehearsing an apology.

He stayed there for almost an hour before walking in. He looked broken like a man who has been fighting an invisible war.

 I served his food quietly ready to retreat to my room when he held my hand.

His touch startled me.

 “For how long will this continue?” he said softly. 

“I’m sorry.”

I froze.

“For what, Jordan? For finally realizing what you did?

It took me becoming a shadow of myself for you to see it?

He sighed, ran his hands through his hair.

“I know I hurt you. I was stupid to think love was about winning not understanding. I can’t lose you. I never meant to hurt you, i got so lost trying to prove something that didn't even matter. 

Please forgive me.” I can't lose you

I looked at him, the same man I prayed for now drowning in guilt.

 “You made me believe love wasn’t enough,” I whispered

“I tried to fit into your world, but I was never the woman you wanted and now I don't know how to be the woman you want me to be.”

He took my hands again firmer this time.

 “No. You were always enough. I wasn't trying to change you, you know.

 I was scared. Scared that the life I planned was slipping through my fingers and I took it out on you.

" But you were always my calm even in my chaos. You prayed to be my goodluck charm, turns out you've always have.

For the first time in months he looked sincere and I wanted to believe him even though pain doesn't heal with apologies, I saw something real in his eyes, a quiet kind of regret.

The truth was, Jordan wasn't entirely a bad man.

He had his moments, moment when he was proud of me, when he'll tell his friends " That's my woman".

Moment when he would pray with me, make me laugh, hold me like the world could fall apart and we would still be fine. But sometimes his pride and the weight of his expectations crushes the softness inside him.

He had been taught by society that love needed status, that class, success and background defined one's worth.

And maybe I too had  believed that I needed to prove myself to be worthy of being loved.

So when he apologized, I knew words alone couldn't undo the hurt but I also knew he was trying.

He wasn't perfect neither was I.

That night I didn't forgive him instantly. I just sat there in silence, letting his words hang between us.

He reached for my hand again, and this time I didn't try to pull away

"Let's start over", he said quietly.

I nodded slowly. " One step at a time"

Anie's Note

Love is decision to stay true, even when the feeling fades

Would you stay if love stopped feeling easy?

Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to comment and tell me what y'all think.

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ALMOST

                                        

I sat in my room with headphones on listening to Hurts by Astrid relating to every line of the lyrics as the sound of the rain pattered against my window pane. Struggling to find peace in the darkness that clouded my room and all I could think of was the last thing Noah said to me, it kept ringing in my head.

" I still want you but it's complicated".

I still remember the first day we met. After service one Sunday, I noticed a charismatic young man who recently started attending our church. He was new in town and I was easily  drawn to Noah's  charm, kind heart and beautiful smile.

After having a pretty rough year, I've been more committed to seeking  God's guidance in every decision I want to make, more devoted to my faith and even volunteer regularly for God's work. I had told God that I wanted someone that will share my faith, values and views about life. As someone who is also passionate about art, my job as an art curator was very demanding yet fulfilling and I was able to successfully balance both my job and my spiritual life.

As weeks turn into months, I and Noah quickly developed a close friendship, he confided in me about his journey in christ. We spent time together outside church, sharing our hopes, dreams, fears and our vision for the future. I found myself falling so hard for him, I mean his dedication to God's work was top notch, his vision and how career driven he was kept me feeling he might just be the answer to my prayers.

Months after, we started dating and it was one of the best thing that has happened to me admist others. My spiritual life took a swift turn as I drew closer to God by the day. We studied the bible together, prayed together and everyday all I keep asking God is to help me keep this one .he was the first man I've ever loved from church.

As time goes on, I started noticing that Noah's commitment to our relationship was wavering. I brought it up couple of times to know exactly what the problem is but he wouldn't budge. I began to worry but left everything to God in prayers. 

We were out on a date after church one Sunday and he was acting uncomfortable and uneasy. So I mustered the courage and asked

" You seem uncomfortable, do you not like this place? Or you no longer feel comfortable being around me in public?

" Why ? Why will you even say that? Noah replied.

" You've barely touched your food, and since we got here you've been uneasy and have avoided looking me in the eyes. Or do you no longer want me?

His response caught me off guard.

" I still want you, but it's complicated"

He explains hesitantly that while he genuinely cares for me, he was seeing someone else before he came into town.

My heart sank as I watched him explained, I instantly felt broken and betrayed.

Crushed by Noah's betrayal, I spent months feeling lost and questioning everything.

I found myself questioning my worth. I questioned whether he ever truly wanted the same future like I did.

Over the following weeks, moving on was hard , having to see Noah at church reminded me of the connection we once had.

The chapel was nearly empty. Only the soft echo of footsteps and I sat alone in the pew, clutching my jotter to my chest like it could stop my heart from breaking further.

He never lied. But he never told the truth either .

Flashback - Months earlier

Noah (laughing, handing me a coffee)

"You're going to sketch me again aren't you?

Havila (grinning)

"Only if you keep making that face when you a sip.

Noah: " This is the face of a man tasting mediocre coffee with an exceptional artist.

Havila: " Oh smooth! Very pastor's kid energy".

We both laughed.

They had been sunlight and warm evening. Worship nights and quiet prayers in parked cars. Kisses that felt blessed.

I thought God was in it. I thought this love had his fingerprints all over it. Until I heard it from him.

He was seeing someone else the whole time. Before me. But...it overlapped.

I remembered the whispered prayers over our future, talked about engagement rings with such certainty it felt like a promise.

But all along, I had been one of the two paintings on the wall and I was the one he chose to leave behind.

" Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say anything?

I asked him over the phone again, my voice cracking.

There was a long pause. Then his voice soft, guilty.

" I didn't know how. I didn't think it mattered once I choose  you".

" But you didn't choose me." I whispered. You just didn't want to lose me yet."

It was heartbreaking  but I was surrounded by friends who reminded me that I need healing and though it 

may take time, it requires understanding.

Through prayers and reflection, I started finding myself again. I joined a book club online, started reading, focusing on work and drawing closer to God instead of dwelling on the heartbreak. I told myself that the whole Noah's drama had nothing to do with me but rather a sign that he was not the right person for me.

One faithful day at work, we were very busy when our boss called for an emergency meeting. He mentioned an intriguing opportunity about a wealthy client who's visiting from abroad and is interested in investing in local arts for his company's new headquarter. I was assigned to head the project and arrange a private tour within  the gallery.

His details was sent to me and the name on it was one Mr Adams Nasir. Instantly I became curious, wondering if the name Adams is christian then why does he bears Nasir too I decided to shake the thought off my mind and arranged for the tour.

When Mr Adams arrived, I was caught off guard. Contrary to my assumptions, Adams was a Muslim from a family who has deep respect for art and culture. He was a gentle, charming and thoughtful man and has quiet the confidence that draws me in.

Throughout the tour, he asked insightful questions about each artist and piece and we both shared the hidden stories behind art.

Adams became a regular visitor at the gallery, asking I show him more piece even the ones he has seen before. An excuse to see me often and each time he visits, we had alot to talk about from art, to our background and values.

Even though he was Muslim and we came from different worlds, we bonded over the love of literature, arts, long talks about life and our shared sense of humour. I was fascinated by his gentle nature and he was drawn by my beauty and intelligence.

I became cautious of how I felt as my recent heartbreak made me hesitant to trust again and I feared our differences might make things complicated.

But as weeks turned into months, we realized how similar our passions were and our connection grew undeniably. Adams respected my beliefs and I respected his too and each time we had conversations, I am strucked by the depth of his faith and how he talked about his family and their values with all sincerity.

His respect for me went beyond surface level charm, he genuinely valued my thoughts and listens to me with an open heart.

We started spending time together outside work, we read books together and explored each other's tradition and celebrate each other's holidays. He invited me to his family house for Ramadan, I was touched by their warmth and generosity. Curious to understand my world, I took him to Christmas service in church, he enjoyed every bit of it.

But as our relationship blossoms, we began to face subtle challenges. Adams is deeply rooted in his faith and family traditions. His family were supportive but cautious, uncertain how an interfaith relationship might affect their son's future. My family on the hand were not in support and they worry that I might drift from my beliefs and our relationship would face difficulties. In some interpretation of Islam, there's an expectation for children to be raised Muslims and that was already a hard one for  me as I've always dreamed of a family with shared faith in Christianity and spiritual unity.

Those subtle challenges became more challenging and was more than what we could handle.

We decided to meet one last time. We stood at the gallery one last time, surrounded by paintings that once whispered promises of forever.

He looked at me the way he always did, like I was a masterpiece.

" I love you Adams". I said quietly, my voice barely rising.

He smiled, though his eyes hold the weight of prayers that never found answers.

"And I love you. But love isn't always enough. Is it?

I shook my head, tears forming.

" I wish it were. I thought love could be enough, enough to make it work, enough to make it simple.

He let out a breath,not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh.

"I used to believe that too. But  love doesn't erase the parts of us that came before it. And it shouldn't.

"I never asked you to leave your faith behind. That's what makes this so hard. We didn't try to change each other. We just.... couldn't meet in the middle."

"Why does it feel like we are breaking something sacred by doing what our faith ask of us?" I asked.

" Because love feels sacred too. But so does faith. And neither of us should have to lose one to keep the other.

I looked down at my hands trembling, as if I could hold on to some thing that's already slipping.

" I prayed for a sign, for a loophole, something."

" I prayed too." He said. "And maybe this is the answer neither of us wanted but both of us needed".

With tears in my eyes , I whispered.

" I prayed for peace and somehow this is what came.

He steps closer, held my hands 

" Maybe peace isn't the absence of pain. Maybe it's knowing we chose with open eyes, with respect.

" Our dreams were vivid. Little art shops in Instanbul,  he chuckled  but faith had it's lines and some were too sacred to cross. A wedding neither our families could bless, children caught between two worlds, holidays spent in quiet tension, a future filled with explanations, compromises stitched into everyday.

He sighed.

" If our story were to be a painting..... It would be called Almost.

"And it would still be beautiful."

He leaned in, kissed my forehead.

A farewell more sacred than anything words could hold. Then he stepped back.

" Goodbye Havila."

The door closed behind with a soft click.

I stayed, standing in the quiet, surrounded by colours that now hold both heartbreak and grace."

And just like that, we became a quiet story told in glances and unspoken prayers, two souls who found each other in a world not ready for their kind of love .

Anie's note: 

Is love really worth it if we have to let go eventually??

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LOVE IN THE BEST OF PLACES

 Joshua Victoria 

October 6 2024

Love is beautiful even the bible confirms it. As much as a I hate to admit it, it does exist. 

My pastor is madly in love with his wife even the blind can attest to it. My folks, though old school are still in love with each other after so many years of marriage but for me, the end always proves it wrong. Afterall I keep dating the same character in different bodies. I became exhausted, I didn't want to know what love looks like, feel like or even taste like. social media was no longer my thing as I don't believe in love anymore.

I moved on with my single and of course boring life. Days became weeks, weeks became months and it's already two years. No man, several failed talking stages, just the single Pringle hating couple's here and there.

Suddenly this particular Yoruba man swept me off my feet. Yoruba men!! I just can't figure them out. Well I fell in love without realizing it. I had known him for quite sometime now, usually sees him in church but never paid attention till he eventually sat in front of me one Sunday.

He was praying in the holy ghost and for some weird reason it felt like my favourite song was being sang in the most beautiful way. In the heat of the prayer I had to open my eyes and right in front of me was this man praying with all seriousness. I was completely lost and all I could say was amen to whatever his prayer was about

After the service, I summoned courage walked up to him, we exchanged pleasantries and his smile was the most beautiful one I have seen in a while. Right there and then I knew I wanted to be his wife, I was completely lost in love but as a hard girl with numerous heartbreak I was hella composed on the outside.

We exchanged numbers and got talking, safe to say one of the talking stage that never failed. We got really close that I could empty my heart to him whenever we spoke. He showed me love after several hurts, he made me realize me heart still works, he never hesitate to show it every opportunity he gets.

Exactly eight months after we had started dating, we went to his place together after church and we had dinner. I decided to rest a bit and I was fast asleep on the couch. He came to the living room where I was, took off my wig, adjusted me properly, covered me with a duvet, didn't leave immediately he said a little prayer, kissed my forehead and left.

Not long after he left, I heard a loud knock on the door. He opened it stepped back in shock

"Peju how did you find me??

A very beautiful, brown skin, rich lady walked in. I was dumbfounded, slowly I started to sweat In a fully conditioned living room. I tried to speak but I couldn't, tears rolled down my cheek.

She then looked at me with so much disgust and pity for me

"Stop fooling yourself, he will never be the man for you. He is mine, I did all the work apparently and you can never take my place and hey I will do everything I can to have him back"

She walked towards him pulled him close, kissed him on his lips

"I'm coming for you papi" She smirked and left

I broke down in tears, cried profusely and then I heard a voice saying this isn't real.

Frantic, I opened my eyes and the love of my life was right on his kneel in front of me holding my hands and praying for me. I quickly hugged him tightly.

"I don't want to lose you to her I said and continued crying

"Whatever you're scared of will never happen. I made a vow to God who is the writer of our love story to love you and only you for as long as I breathe.

Tolu, you come first and always will, you are going to be the most important person in my life. Everyday I ask God to teach me how to love you better and in accordance to what the Bible says about love. I know you've never been loved properly before but I promise to love you better.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I love you Tolu Felix and you don't have to be scared of anything

All I could do was cry the more

"If this is what love is, I want to be in love with you forever I said 

"Look at your fingers

"I looked and behold the most beautiful diamond ring I have ever seen was sitting pretty on my finger.

"I'll be the biggest fool to turn you down

Yes I will marry you.

He hugged me tightly

"Thank God for this gift.

And that was how 24 years old me fell in love with the best man in the best place.

Anie's note:

So I know a couple of people that think  love is a myth. They strongly believe true love doesn't exist.

Do you think so??

Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to comment and tell me what y'all think.

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LETTING GO PIECE BY PIECE. Joshua Victoria September 07 2024

With you it wasn't love at first sight, it was love at first text, first conversation. Your love came without a warning, I didn't even get much time to think or process it. 

I had already gotten a description of you with a picture attached and all i wanted was the personality to match the face and it beats me because your personality was almost close to perfection.

There is  already a fix description of how i want my significant other to look like, i mean everyone does or maybe not. You fit in everything except the name and i teased you of how I'll have to change your name so it fits perfectly.

It all started on the 8th of July, i got a message from a coursemate asking i send my picture, i was reluctant at first because we weren't that close and after sending it i made it clear to him I wasn't into hookup. He was shocked and a bit disappointed that I'd think he is that kind of person, however he just wanted to show his cousin who just came back to Nigeria. Now that totally got my attention and i apologized and was interested in the conversation and he told me a little, more like a lot about his cousin and i finally agreed to him sharing my contacts.

Unconsciously i was constantly checking my phone for your message to pop up and at about 9pm i got a "Hi" from a strange number and i was super excited but kept my cool and we started talking and i felt really good though, this feeling is not totally new to me but felt different with You.

Two weeks in and I couldn't go a day without at least texting you, i wanted your opinion on everything down to my choice of clothes or hair to make.

We decided to finally meet for the first time and all night i couldn't stop  staring at the ceiling and giggling. you  practically brought out the inner child in me even without seeing each other.

On my way to you it started drizzling and by the time i got off i had little drops on my shirt and you were outside waiting for me. You recognized me and hugged me then you held my hand and display deepest affections for me regardless of whether people are watching or not.

I had to remind myself to stay calm and composed..

When we finally got to sit down, you couldn't stop staring.

" You're so beautiful Serena. You said as your eyes focused intensely on me.

I couldn't help but smile sheepishly and even forgot to say a thank you for the compliment. Later on we decided to order something and you asked for my opinion and that alone made me feel heard. We had great time, hung out couple of times and our bond grew stronger by the day 

Honestly speaking, there is something about calm and collected men, they are so attractive and gives the safest energy. We had a different level of intimacy where you educate me on topics where i lack knowledge on and my love for you grew stronger everyday and i knew the feeling was mutual but i was wondering why you weren't making it formal.

I got a text one day saying

"Are you sure i won't make you my wife? 

I took my phone and decided to call to know what the text was about and you told me how I've occupied your mind all day and since I've been busy, you didnt want to disturb. I smiled and said 

" Well we are married already, you just haven't gotten the memo. 

You admired my sense of humor and we spoke for a while.

I couldn't bottle up my feelings so i brought up conversations that will eventually lead us to speaking about our feelings but somehow you always got out of the conversation without having to talk about it and i started having my doubts but your actions says i exercise patience which i did.

Months later we were in a ship, whatever that was i guess we both cared for each other that much for me to believe that.

You were kind enough to finally have the conversation and we were sitting across the table. You took my hands, intertwined with yours and decided to finally break the silence overwhelming us.

" Serena, i love you so much thats why i havent made this formal.

Now that had me confused because it made no sense.

 "I love you and i see the value in you beyond physical appearance. I want to be a man of my word and be dependable and that's almost impossible because i will be traveling back to the states and i honestly have no plans of coming back at least not yet. You sighed, took a deep breath and locked your eyes with mine and continued.

" Laziness can kill a relationship, staying loyal is not enough we will need the dinner dates, the quick phone calls and random compliments and because of time difference we might be having a lot of issues.

That news sent chills down my spine and instantly i felt like a bucket of ice has been dropped on my head. I needed more than this, i needed to know why our relationship wouldn't stand a chance. Cold and silent anger echoed off my face as the tension hummed loudly.

You told me that you'd never hurt me but you weren't sure the relationship will stand the test of time. 

However, you asked if I understood, I answered yes avoiding your gaze on me but honestly I didn't.

It was very hard for me, i was broken. I imagined how you made me feel seen and heard those times we hung out and the love i wanted and craved for was as pure as what you showed me. It was very difficult to understand. 

Months later, you finally travelled and i was left with the memories and couldn't stop thinking of how we got to this point where we can't be part of each other's existence.

Then i finally understood what you meant by standing the test of time. Having to juggle multiple jobs, you barely had time for yourself let alone a relationship. 

Most days i miss you so much that it hurts i could literally feel it. As plain as simple as that could be, you were the one i wanted to be with for the rest of my life.it came to reality, however that was apparently too much to ask for and i could end up hating you because i was somehow hoping you'll change your mind for me and you never did.

 Letting go was very difficult for me but our love could only go this far.

Anie's note:

Is it really easy to let go??? If you ask me I'll say it is not .I advocate loving a person completely. So imagine having to let go of a place where you can finally say "Oh this is where I belong".  It's insane but  the safest option when you both can't meet each other's need just completely walk away and open up your heart that way you don't hate each other.

Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to comment and tell me what y'all think.

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THIS IS ME..OR MAYBE NOT. Joshua Victoria -September 07,2024

       

It gets to a certain point in time where life hits differently when you feel stuck and clueless about what you're doing with your life. It hurts more when you have to deal with the pains alone because everyone think you're naturally smart and can figure everything out on your own when in reality, you have no idea where you're going but you have to keep going because everyone has high expectations of you.

 I've always wanted to get a white collar job after school which doesn't really seem like a bad idea but in a country where things like jobs don't come handy you have to improvise. I thought I had it figured out, I realized there are people  depending on me . My siblings that I want to do even if it's the little things for,  my parent that I want to relief the stress of having to take the responsibility alone on their shoulders and me of course that I need to take care of but how will that happen without a source of income. 

Serving the country as a Nigerian youth and the allowance that comes monthly really amounts to nothing and when I'm being ask on different occasions what my passion is or what I love to do, I feel like I have it covered this moment and the next I'm so clueless and look dumb for not knowing at this point what I really want.

I've had to surf the internet for courses I can read to make money remotely, businesses to start up with little income and whatnot but here I am. Life doesn't care about our plans, doesn't follow a script neither does it gives us the luxury of certainty.

Most times I become ungrateful and complain just because I'm confused about what the future holds for me.

Then I ask myself what do I really want? Happiness?? Comfort? Luxury ? And who is responsible for them? So I decided to write this to challenge myself that I can do better, I just need to figure out what I love to do.

Hopefully it won't be too late.

An unsolicited advice 

Our biggest pains and fears tend to be self inflicted. We shouldn't do that to ourselves.

Before you came into existence, there has always been the need to provide for one's self and those around him ...and that need will still be very much in existence when you are long gone. So why let something that isn't uncommon to man be of burden to you?

Instead, start and continue to see things from a new angle "THE GROWTH MINDSET".

The growth mindset is one which gives you the ability to recognize your situation and to believe that there is a way out, and that way will be found by all means.

Anie's note:

This is practically me right now, so I can tell you for sure that I can  totally relate to being young and not getting it yet. Lol. But understanding that this things are normal happenings and there is absolutely nothing you can do about them is a bold step to the growth mindset. That way you won't have to beat yourself up but focus on finding a way out.

Love has always been my strongest forte but once in a while let's see life from life's angle if you know what I mean..

Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to comment and tell me what y'all think.

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