I sat in my room with headphones on listening to Hurts by Astrid relating to every line of the lyrics as the sound of the rain pattered against my window pane. Struggling to find peace in the darkness that clouded my room and all I could think of was the last thing Noah said to me, it kept ringing in my head.
" I still want you but it's complicated".
I still remember the first day we met. After service one Sunday, I noticed a charismatic young man who recently started attending our church. He was new in town and I was easily drawn to Noah's charm, kind heart and beautiful smile.
After having a pretty rough year, I've been more committed to seeking God's guidance in every decision I want to make, more devoted to my faith and even volunteer regularly for God's work. I had told God that I wanted someone that will share my faith, values and views about life. As someone who is also passionate about art, my job as an art curator was very demanding yet fulfilling and I was able to successfully balance both my job and my spiritual life.
As weeks turn into months, I and Noah quickly developed a close friendship, he confided in me about his journey in christ. We spent time together outside church, sharing our hopes, dreams, fears and our vision for the future. I found myself falling so hard for him, I mean his dedication to God's work was top notch, his vision and how career driven he was kept me feeling he might just be the answer to my prayers.
Months after, we started dating and it was one of the best thing that has happened to me admist others. My spiritual life took a swift turn as I drew closer to God by the day. We studied the bible together, prayed together and everyday all I keep asking God is to help me keep this one .he was the first man I've ever loved from church.
As time goes on, I started noticing that Noah's commitment to our relationship was wavering. I brought it up couple of times to know exactly what the problem is but he wouldn't budge. I began to worry but left everything to God in prayers.
We were out on a date after church one Sunday and he was acting uncomfortable and uneasy. So I mustered the courage and asked
" You seem uncomfortable, do you not like this place? Or you no longer feel comfortable being around me in public?
" Why ? Why will you even say that? Noah replied.
" You've barely touched your food, and since we got here you've been uneasy and have avoided looking me in the eyes. Or do you no longer want me?
His response caught me off guard.
" I still want you, but it's complicated"
He explains hesitantly that while he genuinely cares for me, he was seeing someone else before he came into town.
My heart sank as I watched him explained, I instantly felt broken and betrayed.
Crushed by Noah's betrayal, I spent months feeling lost and questioning everything.
I found myself questioning my worth. I questioned whether he ever truly wanted the same future like I did.
Over the following weeks, moving on was hard , having to see Noah at church reminded me of the connection we once had.
The chapel was nearly empty. Only the soft echo of footsteps and I sat alone in the pew, clutching my jotter to my chest like it could stop my heart from breaking further.
He never lied. But he never told the truth either .
Flashback - Months earlier
Noah (laughing, handing me a coffee)
"You're going to sketch me again aren't you?
Havila (grinning)
"Only if you keep making that face when you a sip.
Noah: " This is the face of a man tasting mediocre coffee with an exceptional artist.
Havila: " Oh smooth! Very pastor's kid energy".
We both laughed.
They had been sunlight and warm evening. Worship nights and quiet prayers in parked cars. Kisses that felt blessed.
I thought God was in it. I thought this love had his fingerprints all over it. Until I heard it from him.
He was seeing someone else the whole time. Before me. But...it overlapped.
I remembered the whispered prayers over our future, talked about engagement rings with such certainty it felt like a promise.
But all along, I had been one of the two paintings on the wall and I was the one he chose to leave behind.
" Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say anything?
I asked him over the phone again, my voice cracking.
There was a long pause. Then his voice soft, guilty.
" I didn't know how. I didn't think it mattered once I choose you".
" But you didn't choose me." I whispered. You just didn't want to lose me yet."
It was heartbreaking but I was surrounded by friends who reminded me that I need healing and though it
may take time, it requires understanding.
Through prayers and reflection, I started finding myself again. I joined a book club online, started reading, focusing on work and drawing closer to God instead of dwelling on the heartbreak. I told myself that the whole Noah's drama had nothing to do with me but rather a sign that he was not the right person for me.
One faithful day at work, we were very busy when our boss called for an emergency meeting. He mentioned an intriguing opportunity about a wealthy client who's visiting from abroad and is interested in investing in local arts for his company's new headquarter. I was assigned to head the project and arrange a private tour within the gallery.
His details was sent to me and the name on it was one Mr Adams Nasir. Instantly I became curious, wondering if the name Adams is christian then why does he bears Nasir too I decided to shake the thought off my mind and arranged for the tour.
When Mr Adams arrived, I was caught off guard. Contrary to my assumptions, Adams was a Muslim from a family who has deep respect for art and culture. He was a gentle, charming and thoughtful man and has quiet the confidence that draws me in.
Throughout the tour, he asked insightful questions about each artist and piece and we both shared the hidden stories behind art.
Adams became a regular visitor at the gallery, asking I show him more piece even the ones he has seen before. An excuse to see me often and each time he visits, we had alot to talk about from art, to our background and values.
Even though he was Muslim and we came from different worlds, we bonded over the love of literature, arts, long talks about life and our shared sense of humour. I was fascinated by his gentle nature and he was drawn by my beauty and intelligence.
I became cautious of how I felt as my recent heartbreak made me hesitant to trust again and I feared our differences might make things complicated.
But as weeks turned into months, we realized how similar our passions were and our connection grew undeniably. Adams respected my beliefs and I respected his too and each time we had conversations, I am strucked by the depth of his faith and how he talked about his family and their values with all sincerity.
His respect for me went beyond surface level charm, he genuinely valued my thoughts and listens to me with an open heart.
We started spending time together outside work, we read books together and explored each other's tradition and celebrate each other's holidays. He invited me to his family house for Ramadan, I was touched by their warmth and generosity. Curious to understand my world, I took him to Christmas service in church, he enjoyed every bit of it.
But as our relationship blossoms, we began to face subtle challenges. Adams is deeply rooted in his faith and family traditions. His family were supportive but cautious, uncertain how an interfaith relationship might affect their son's future. My family on the hand were not in support and they worry that I might drift from my beliefs and our relationship would face difficulties. In some interpretation of Islam, there's an expectation for children to be raised Muslims and that was already a hard one for me as I've always dreamed of a family with shared faith in Christianity and spiritual unity.
Those subtle challenges became more challenging and was more than what we could handle.
We decided to meet one last time. We stood at the gallery one last time, surrounded by paintings that once whispered promises of forever.
He looked at me the way he always did, like I was a masterpiece.
" I love you Adams". I said quietly, my voice barely rising.
He smiled, though his eyes hold the weight of prayers that never found answers.
"And I love you. But love isn't always enough. Is it?
I shook my head, tears forming.
" I wish it were. I thought love could be enough, enough to make it work, enough to make it simple.
He let out a breath,not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh.
"I used to believe that too. But love doesn't erase the parts of us that came before it. And it shouldn't.
"I never asked you to leave your faith behind. That's what makes this so hard. We didn't try to change each other. We just.... couldn't meet in the middle."
"Why does it feel like we are breaking something sacred by doing what our faith ask of us?" I asked.
" Because love feels sacred too. But so does faith. And neither of us should have to lose one to keep the other.
I looked down at my hands trembling, as if I could hold on to some thing that's already slipping.
" I prayed for a sign, for a loophole, something."
" I prayed too." He said. "And maybe this is the answer neither of us wanted but both of us needed".
With tears in my eyes , I whispered.
" I prayed for peace and somehow this is what came.
He steps closer, held my hands
" Maybe peace isn't the absence of pain. Maybe it's knowing we chose with open eyes, with respect.
" Our dreams were vivid. Little art shops in Instanbul, he chuckled but faith had it's lines and some were too sacred to cross. A wedding neither our families could bless, children caught between two worlds, holidays spent in quiet tension, a future filled with explanations, compromises stitched into everyday.
He sighed.
" If our story were to be a painting..... It would be called Almost.
"And it would still be beautiful."
He leaned in, kissed my forehead.
A farewell more sacred than anything words could hold. Then he stepped back.
" Goodbye Havila."
The door closed behind with a soft click.
I stayed, standing in the quiet, surrounded by colours that now hold both heartbreak and grace."
And just like that, we became a quiet story told in glances and unspoken prayers, two souls who found each other in a world not ready for their kind of love .
Anie's note:
Is love really worth it if we have to let go eventually??
.jpeg)
