LETTING GO PIECE BY PIECE. Joshua Victoria September 07 2024

With you it wasn't love at first sight, it was love at first text, first conversation. Your love came without a warning, I didn't even get much time to think or process it. 

I had already gotten a description of you with a picture attached and all i wanted was the personality to match the face and it beats me because your personality was almost close to perfection.

There is  already a fix description of how i want my significant other to look like, i mean everyone does or maybe not. You fit in everything except the name and i teased you of how I'll have to change your name so it fits perfectly.

It all started on the 8th of July, i got a message from a coursemate asking i send my picture, i was reluctant at first because we weren't that close and after sending it i made it clear to him I wasn't into hookup. He was shocked and a bit disappointed that I'd think he is that kind of person, however he just wanted to show his cousin who just came back to Nigeria. Now that totally got my attention and i apologized and was interested in the conversation and he told me a little, more like a lot about his cousin and i finally agreed to him sharing my contacts.

Unconsciously i was constantly checking my phone for your message to pop up and at about 9pm i got a "Hi" from a strange number and i was super excited but kept my cool and we started talking and i felt really good though, this feeling is not totally new to me but felt different with You.

Two weeks in and I couldn't go a day without at least texting you, i wanted your opinion on everything down to my choice of clothes or hair to make.

We decided to finally meet for the first time and all night i couldn't stop  staring at the ceiling and giggling. you  practically brought out the inner child in me even without seeing each other.

On my way to you it started drizzling and by the time i got off i had little drops on my shirt and you were outside waiting for me. You recognized me and hugged me then you held my hand and display deepest affections for me regardless of whether people are watching or not.

I had to remind myself to stay calm and composed..

When we finally got to sit down, you couldn't stop staring.

" You're so beautiful Serena. You said as your eyes focused intensely on me.

I couldn't help but smile sheepishly and even forgot to say a thank you for the compliment. Later on we decided to order something and you asked for my opinion and that alone made me feel heard. We had great time, hung out couple of times and our bond grew stronger by the day 

Honestly speaking, there is something about calm and collected men, they are so attractive and gives the safest energy. We had a different level of intimacy where you educate me on topics where i lack knowledge on and my love for you grew stronger everyday and i knew the feeling was mutual but i was wondering why you weren't making it formal.

I got a text one day saying

"Are you sure i won't make you my wife? 

I took my phone and decided to call to know what the text was about and you told me how I've occupied your mind all day and since I've been busy, you didnt want to disturb. I smiled and said 

" Well we are married already, you just haven't gotten the memo. 

You admired my sense of humor and we spoke for a while.

I couldn't bottle up my feelings so i brought up conversations that will eventually lead us to speaking about our feelings but somehow you always got out of the conversation without having to talk about it and i started having my doubts but your actions says i exercise patience which i did.

Months later we were in a ship, whatever that was i guess we both cared for each other that much for me to believe that.

You were kind enough to finally have the conversation and we were sitting across the table. You took my hands, intertwined with yours and decided to finally break the silence overwhelming us.

" Serena, i love you so much thats why i havent made this formal.

Now that had me confused because it made no sense.

 "I love you and i see the value in you beyond physical appearance. I want to be a man of my word and be dependable and that's almost impossible because i will be traveling back to the states and i honestly have no plans of coming back at least not yet. You sighed, took a deep breath and locked your eyes with mine and continued.

" Laziness can kill a relationship, staying loyal is not enough we will need the dinner dates, the quick phone calls and random compliments and because of time difference we might be having a lot of issues.

That news sent chills down my spine and instantly i felt like a bucket of ice has been dropped on my head. I needed more than this, i needed to know why our relationship wouldn't stand a chance. Cold and silent anger echoed off my face as the tension hummed loudly.

You told me that you'd never hurt me but you weren't sure the relationship will stand the test of time. 

However, you asked if I understood, I answered yes avoiding your gaze on me but honestly I didn't.

It was very hard for me, i was broken. I imagined how you made me feel seen and heard those times we hung out and the love i wanted and craved for was as pure as what you showed me. It was very difficult to understand. 

Months later, you finally travelled and i was left with the memories and couldn't stop thinking of how we got to this point where we can't be part of each other's existence.

Then i finally understood what you meant by standing the test of time. Having to juggle multiple jobs, you barely had time for yourself let alone a relationship. 

Most days i miss you so much that it hurts i could literally feel it. As plain as simple as that could be, you were the one i wanted to be with for the rest of my life.it came to reality, however that was apparently too much to ask for and i could end up hating you because i was somehow hoping you'll change your mind for me and you never did.

 Letting go was very difficult for me but our love could only go this far.

Anie's note:

Is it really easy to let go??? If you ask me I'll say it is not .I advocate loving a person completely. So imagine having to let go of a place where you can finally say "Oh this is where I belong".  It's insane but  the safest option when you both can't meet each other's need just completely walk away and open up your heart that way you don't hate each other.

Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to comment and tell me what y'all think.

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